How to talk about money with family, spouses, and parents

In a society that often measures people’s value against how much money they have, talking about finances can feel emotional, stressful or awkward, even with the people you care about the most. It can be tempting to avoid those conversations altogether.

The good news is there are ways to make talking about money easier, whether it’s with your partner, children or aging parents.

This guide will equip you with strategies that can help you feel more confident about having open, honest money conversations with the people in your life. And those conversations, whether they’re about spending habits or planning for long-term goals, can lead to more harmonious relationships and better financial health.

How do I talk to my spouse or partner about money?

Figuring out how to deal with money issues in a relationship is one of the most important tasks when you decide to share your life with someone. Addressing these issues sooner rather than later, and revisiting them regularly, is critical to a healthy and lasting relationship.

Some of the money-related questions you and your spouse or partner should answer include:

• Should we combine our finances, keep them separate or go with a combination of these approaches?
• What happens if our financial goals or saving and spending habits are different?
• How do we build open and honest conversations about money?

Here are some tips for talking about money with your spouse or partner that will create a solid foundation for the future – not just financially, but in terms of your relationship health.

Start talking about money early in your relationship.

Before you move in together, get married, buy a home together or embark on any other relationship milestone, take some time to talk about your individual approaches to spending, saving and investing. Establish short- and long-term financial goals, including retirement planning, home ownership and, if it applies, saving for your kids’ education.

Set ground rules for money management.

If there are areas you approach differently, find a middle ground to avoid friction later. For example, if you decided to establish a joint checking account but also have individual accounts for discretionary spending, which purchases should come from which accounts? Who pays credit card bills? How much will you set aside each month for your emergency fund and retirement accounts?

Talk about money regularly.

Once a month or once a quarter, sit down together and talk about your budget and the progress you’ve made against the short- and long-term goals you’ve established. Regular discussions can help stop minor money grievances from turning into big ones and keep your finances on track.

Talking about money with children

Just as it’s important to talk about money early on in a relationship, it pays to start talking to kids about money when they’re young. How you do it, and what you talk about, should be tailored to their developmental stage.

One concept you can cover as young as toddler age is the difference between wants and needs. This will lay the groundwork for later conversations about spending, saving, investing and giving.

Here are some other ideas for how to teach kids about money at different developmental stages.

Keep it simple with preschool and elementary age.

Explain the connection between the work parents do and the food, clothes and toys the child enjoys.

Introduce tweens to spending, sharing and saving.

If your child receives an allowance, discuss saving, budgeting and how they can use some of their money to give to good causes. One idea is to use an app that operates as a virtual piggy bank and allows kids to divide their money into buckets: spend, save and give. You could also help them open a savings account at a real bank.

Discuss financial accounts with teenagers.

Your teen might have a job of their own, which means money management discussions need to kick into high gear. Taxes (including the public amenities they make possible), the difference between credit and debit cards, and saving for goals like college or a car should be part of your financial conversations. It’s also a good time to get your teenager set up with both a checking and a savings account and potentially even an investment account.

Encourage financial independence with young adults.

As your child enters adulthood and starts their career, help them understand why it’s important to start investing for long-term goals now, particularly the magic of compound growth. Remind them that they’ll need to start filing taxes every year and explain which documents they’ll need. It’s also important to talk about different types of debt (including student loans).

Let’s face it: Financial discussions probably seem boring to kids and teenagers. So, make them more interesting by basing them on real-life examples, including allowances and how saving can help them buy something they really want. You can even talk about your own experiences, whether that’s financial mistakes you’ve made or great decisions that paid off.

Be sure to have these conversations regularly so the concepts sink in and stay with your children as they grow.

How to talk to aging parents about their finances

If you’re in the “sandwich generation,” you might need to have money conversations with your parents or in-laws as well as with your kids. Offering your elders money guidance can be awkward for everyone involved: You’re in the tricky position of having to help your parents with their money, while they might bristle at the idea of ceding some of their financial decisions to a younger person after a lifetime of independence.

But with empathy and a willingness to take the emotion out of the discussion, these conversations may give your aging parents or in-laws a more secure retirement and keep their financial management from unnecessarily complicating your life later.

Financial planning for elderly parents might include wills and estate planning, retirement income planning and paying for healthcare costs in retirement, including long-term care.

Here are some ideas for how to talk to aging parents about their future more easily.

Keep the topics relevant.

If your parents or in-laws experience a life event such as retirement or health concerns, or even if someone they know is experiencing financial challenges in retirement, this can be a natural place to start discussions.

Be empathetic.

The way you, as a Gen Xer or millennial, approach and talk about money might be very different to how your parents’ generation does. Take these differences into account, as well as any cultural considerations, when planning out your discussions.

Develop a family plan.

 If you have siblings or other close family members, make sure everyone is on the same page, or at least informed of your and your parents’ plans, to reduce miscommunication and tension later.

Bring in experts.

For especially tricky or sticky situations or subjects, lean on experts such as financial professionals, attorneys or healthcare planners. They’ll not only have subject-matter expertise but also be experienced in navigating challenging family discussions.

Helpful tips for talking about money with loved ones

Whoever you’re talking to, use these strategies to have financial conversations that are more productive and less stressful.

• Approach topics calmly and choose the right time. If you wait until a crisis point, everyone will be on edge and less amenable to making compromises if necessary.
• Foster transparency and build trust. No one likes to be kept in the dark, whether they’re 8 or 80. Be clear about your goals and listen to their concerns and questions.
• Break complex topics into manageable discussions. Information overload can make people disengage, so consider building an agenda that can be spread out over time.
• Establish shared goals. Make sure participants are aligned on action points after each discussion and that you all agree on the long-term goals.
• Engage professionals if needed. Financial matters can be complex and emotive, so call on a financial or other professional if your discussions hit a wall.

Perhaps most importantly, remember the empathy factor. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes: How would you want to be spoken to as a child, partner, or aging parent? What concerns or frustrations might you have? Keep these in mind during your discussions and remember that the goal is for everyone to feel respected and valued.

Money and relationships can be more harmonious with the right strategies

Family financial conversations don’t have to be daunting. Using the right strategies and a dose of empathy, you can create and maintain an open dialogue about money that keeps relationships strong and empowers everyone to make good financial decisions.

Learn how U.S. Bank wealth advisors and teams can help you build you family’s financial legacy.