Challenging conversations about money: How couples can talk about finances

Catherine Irby Arnold, Washington State Market Leader, U.S. Bank Private Wealth Management, offers a guide to getting this often-daunting discussion started

Talking about money with a spouse or partner is one of the most avoided conversations in relationships, yet one of the most important. According to a 2024 U.S. Bank survey, Americans would rather discuss almost any other topic than their personal finances.

Catherine Irby Arnold, Washington State Market Leader, U.S. Bank Private Wealth Management, offers a practical framework for getting these conversations started, no matter where a couple is in their financial journey.

When should couples start talking about money?

Couples should start talking about money before marriage, ideally early in a serious relationship. According to a 2024 U.S. Bank survey, 36% of unmarried Americans say they’d feel embarrassed to be fully transparent about their finances with the person they’re dating.

“Way before saying, ‘I do,’ couples should discuss their money philosophies,” said Irby Arnold, who brings more than 30 years of financial services experience to this work.

The earlier these conversations happen, the stronger the financial foundation. Irby Arnold recommended sitting down calmly and covering the basics: incomes, assets, debts, expenses and future financial goals.

Why do couples struggle to be honest about money?

Couples struggle to be honest about money primarily because of fear and shame. According to a 2024 U.S. Bank survey:

• 39% of Americans disagree with their partner about how best to manage money today.
• 34% disagree about how to manage money in retirement.
• 30% of Americans admit they have lied to their partner about money, with women slightly more likely to have done so than men (31% vs. 27%).

“The purpose of these conversations is not to get both parties to be financially identical, but rather to understand your mutual and individual goals,” Irby Arnold said.

Should married couples keep finances separate or combined?

Whether a couple should keep finances separate or combined depends on their individual incomes, philosophies and relationship dynamics. There’s no single right answer.

“Some people say that the secret to a long and happy marriage is separate bathrooms and separate bank accounts,” Irby Arnold said.

Choose separate finances when: Both partners value financial independence and have roughly equal incomes, or one or both partners have entered a second marriage and want to maintain distinct financial identities. Keep in mind that keeping finances separate can complicate expense-splitting when incomes are uneven.

Choose combined finances when: Partners want full financial visibility and shared accountability, or income levels differ significantly and combining funds simplifies shared expenses. Be aware that merging finances can create friction if partners have fundamentally different money philosophies.

A frank conversation — ideally before major life decisions — helps couples land on the model that reflects their shared values.

How should couples set financial goals together?

Couples should set financial goals together by first sharing their personal histories with money, then building a layered plan that covers near-term, short-term and long-term priorities.

“We all have baggage around money issues,” Irby Arnold said. “Our financial viewpoints are shaped by our childhood and our life experiences. It’s a very emotional topic.”

Once that context is established, couples can work through questions like: Do you want to save for a home? A vacation? A child’s education? How does each of you envision retirement?

Looking further ahead, legacy planning deserves a place in the conversation. According to a 2024 U.S. Bank survey, 29% of Americans hold different opinions from their partner about what to do with their money after both are gone. Working with an estate attorney can help couples create a plan that reflects both of their wishes.

How do couples handle financial dishonesty?

Couples can handle financial dishonesty most effectively by first calibrating the severity of what happened, then establishing clear ground rules to prevent it from recurring. According to a 2024 U.S. Bank survey, 30% of Americans say they have lied to their partner about money.

Practical steps to rebuild trust and set boundaries:

• Set a spending threshold. Agree on a dollar amount either partner can spend without checking in with the other.
• Open the books gradually. Start with one concrete example, such as a purchase that exceeded the agreed limit and use it as a starting point.
• Bring in a neutral party. If an undisclosed account or debt surfaces, a financial professional can help facilitate the conversation in a structured way.

How can a financial professional help couples talk about money?

A financial professional can help couples talk about money by creating a structured, neutral environment where both partners feel heard rather than judged.

Scott Ford, president of Wealth Management at U.S. Bank, framed the opportunity directly: “My hope is that more couples will recognize the many benefits to having open, honest and transparent conversations.”

According to a 2024 U.S. Bank survey, more than half (53%) of affluent Americans say their financial professional helped their family work through uncomfortable conversations about money. Reaching out to a financial professional is often the most effective first step for couples who know they need to talk but aren’t sure how to begin.

What are the best ways to start a money conversation with your partner?

Use these practical steps, adapted from guidance by Irby Arnold.

• Choose a calm moment. Don’t have your first money conversation when emotions are already running high.
• Make it a regular habit. Aim for a monthly check-in where both partners discuss incomes, expenses, spending and financial goals.
• Talk through retirement plans together. Discuss how each of you envisions your retirement years. That picture will shape your investment strategy.
• Set a personal spending limit. Agree on an amount each of you can spend without clearing it with the other.
• Start with a real example. Open the books a little by referencing one recent situation where spending exceeded what you’d discussed.
• Identify needs vs. wants together. Spend time as a couple deciphering your true financial needs vs. wants, and explore how each of you approaches emergencies, saving and spending.
• Know when to bring in help. Personal finance can be complicated — consider working with a financial professional.

The bottom line

Financial conversations between partners don’t have to be a source of tension, Irby Arnold said. With the right timing, a shared framework and a willingness to be transparent, money can become a topic that strengthens a relationship rather than straining it.

When the conversation feels too difficult to start alone, a financial professional can help. Reach out to a U.S. Bank financial professional to take that first step.

Read the full report here: Challenging Conversations About Money